it's not really working so well, this happiness thing
I apparently suck at happiness
or maybe I just suck at following directions
meditation: I just can't, I don't know what to do differently, my brain hates me
exercise: big zero here, we've been totally full up doing record shit...I did lift a lot of boxes this weekend
rak: I saw an add on facebook for someone in our area selling a bulk lot of newish boy baby clothes so I bought them and delivered them to bm
gratitude:
a. I am done with postage
b. pretty things
c. crochet keeping me busy
one good thing:
being done with postage is a huge good thing, it took me 5 days to print it all, it was a mind numbing task
writing in this blog is depressing, I see how terribly I'm failing at changing my habits and learning how to be happy.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
Stick 'Em Up
meditation: ugh
exercise: I went for a 30 minute walk while crying after some insensitive comments about having babies by dh. I know the world doesn't revolve around me but damn!
rak: more free tie dyes and also trying to be nicer to the kids and not get so frustrated
gratitude:
a. Masked Intruders
b. AA
c. a job that allows me to print postage for record orders
one good thing:
Dh sent an apology text and said "I guess I was pretty insensitive" after the aforementioned insensitive comments. Another good thing is I'm going to a meeting tonight. That should get me out of self.
exercise: I went for a 30 minute walk while crying after some insensitive comments about having babies by dh. I know the world doesn't revolve around me but damn!
rak: more free tie dyes and also trying to be nicer to the kids and not get so frustrated
gratitude:
a. Masked Intruders
b. AA
c. a job that allows me to print postage for record orders
one good thing:
Dh sent an apology text and said "I guess I was pretty insensitive" after the aforementioned insensitive comments. Another good thing is I'm going to a meeting tonight. That should get me out of self.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Crash
The high of the trip is gone and I'm back to my normal sad state.
I fucking hate this.
So, bm had her baby on Tuesday. Last night the kids wanted to go see the baby. I didn't want dh to take them because he loves babies and I didn't want him gushing over her baby. I know, petty of me.
I can't have kids and I wanted kids and the pain creeps up at me and pushes me over the edge sometimes. I tried to have kids with my first husband, even went to a fertility dr and did some things that didn't work. He has 5 now. I have my two wonderful stepkids and four stepkids from exhusband #2. (Yes, I know, I'm THAT girl, the one who keeps getting married).
Anyway, bm having this kid HURTS.
But, it's not really about me, so I asked dh to take them to see their new brother, that's my act of kindness.
That's all I got, I'm too sad just writing this to do the rest today.
I fucking hate this.
So, bm had her baby on Tuesday. Last night the kids wanted to go see the baby. I didn't want dh to take them because he loves babies and I didn't want him gushing over her baby. I know, petty of me.
I can't have kids and I wanted kids and the pain creeps up at me and pushes me over the edge sometimes. I tried to have kids with my first husband, even went to a fertility dr and did some things that didn't work. He has 5 now. I have my two wonderful stepkids and four stepkids from exhusband #2. (Yes, I know, I'm THAT girl, the one who keeps getting married).
Anyway, bm having this kid HURTS.
But, it's not really about me, so I asked dh to take them to see their new brother, that's my act of kindness.
That's all I got, I'm too sad just writing this to do the rest today.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Not Working on Being Happy
at the moment I actually am happy
I had a fantastic time on a weekend road trip.
Step One is to meditate.
I downloaded a couple meditation aps on the trip. They mostly sucked. Still trying
Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. feeling like a rock star because of the great trip
b. peanut butter
c. home sweet home
Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
We met some customers of our record label over the weekend, I'm giving them a special edition copy of a record we are releasing. I'm the fairy godmother of punk rock.
Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
Dh and I got into a disagreement. Nothing new there. But, I was able to calmly say "I love you but I don't want to continue this discussion" and hang up. He called later and apologized for his part. I was still mad but the apology helped.
Step Five is to exercise.
walked all over Riot Fest
I had a fantastic time on a weekend road trip.
Step One is to meditate.
I downloaded a couple meditation aps on the trip. They mostly sucked. Still trying
Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. feeling like a rock star because of the great trip
b. peanut butter
c. home sweet home
Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
We met some customers of our record label over the weekend, I'm giving them a special edition copy of a record we are releasing. I'm the fairy godmother of punk rock.
Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
Dh and I got into a disagreement. Nothing new there. But, I was able to calmly say "I love you but I don't want to continue this discussion" and hang up. He called later and apologized for his part. I was still mad but the apology helped.
Step Five is to exercise.
walked all over Riot Fest
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Herculan Effort
Step One is to meditate.
still not having much luck with this
I need to look up some meditation guides online
Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. a husband who says he's sorry and means it
b. sugar free gum
c. sleep
Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
I paid twice for a swap I'm in. I didn't feel like messing with asking for a refund so I offered a scholarship to someone who wanted to participate and couldn't afford it. Instead they are going to use the money to ship a package to a person who is a member of the forum who just had a stroke.
Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
Dh and I got into a disagreement. Nothing new there. But, I was able to calmly say "I love you but I don't want to continue this discussion" and hang up. He called later and apologized for his part. I was still mad but the apology helped.
Step Five is to exercise.
last night we were held hostage by some 5th grade teachers so the only exercise was walking to and from the school.
I got really pissed at the school, for the 2nd year in a row they changed the paperwork we filled out to make bm the secondary point of contact even though we keep telling them they live with us, call stepmom not bm. BM rarely keeps the same phone number long, sleeps all damn day and is generally unreliable. Last year ss10 got sick at school, dh was in a meeting and of course bm didn't answer, they never called me. GRRRRRRRRRR
How hard is it to figure out that some kids live with their dads???
Anyway, I'm tired and irritable but not really sad so that's an improvement sort of?
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
It's the most wonderful time of the month
The older I get, the worse the pre-period depression gets. It doesn't matter that I KNOW it's hormonal, it's like clockwork, a week prior to my period, the sadness, depression, grief, regret and lethargy hits. Along with an even stronger than my usual really strong craving for chocolate.
ahhhhhhhhhhhh
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Solider on, right?
Step One is to meditate.
grrrrrrrrrrr
my brain is stupid, it doesn't know what's good for it
was going to do this during yoga but my gym pass was in dh's car so no yoga for me : (
tried last night & this moring
grrrrrrrrrr
Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. chocolate
b. coffee
c. advil
Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
Dh had baseball practice last night so I agreed to stay home with sd5 and let him take ss10 with him to practice. Sd5, while being absolutely the cutest kid on the planet is also what we affectionately refer to as an "asswhip". I'm usually the one parenting her as dh has a finally tuned sense of "ignore" while I do not.
We had a fabulous time together, there were cheetos (baked, in an attempt to fool myself that I'm feeding her something healthy) and chocolate milk and lots and lots of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse...yes I can do the hotdog dance.
Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
Sd5 is pretty much an attention whore and it can be IRRITATING AS HELL but I know she just needs love and attention and she has abandonment issues thanks to her insane mom. She started calling me "mommy" about a year ago and has recently switched to "momma" which is super duper sweet.Our therapist, who was bm's therapist (bm = biological mother, the kids mom, she is crazy and also due to give birth tomorrow to kid number 3, this one is with a guy she met at work when dh got her a job where he works. She left him for this guy, then they both lost their jobs. They lived in her car in February but he sold his car so they could live. They bought furniture and a huge tv and paid 6 months rent. Now the 6 months is almost up, the baby is due and they have no money. We get no child support and they will end up at a shelter.)
Anyway, I digress....bm's therapist who used to be our therapist too (bad idea) didn't want sd5 to call me mommy because it would really upset bm. Like I give a fuck...ok, I do, I try really hard to be nice to bm because she's bat shit crazy but she's had a horrible life....but she has also made fucked up decisions that hurt the kids and that's hard to forgive.
So, I tried to keep sd5 from calling me mommy but I gave up after a while because it felt like I was punishing her for doing what came naturally. Of course she calls me mommy, for all intents and purposes, I am mommy. If feeding, clothing, nurturing, etc count. Of course "real mommy" is more fun, at real mommy's house all she does is watch that expensive tv they bought and stay up 'til 2 am if she wants to and eat sweets all day. Of course real mommy won't have a house much longer (apartment)...and there's a new baby so sd5 won't be the tiny little baby that her real mommy still treats as if she were 2, the age she was when real mommy decided to go live with her dungeons and dragons dream man.
whew...............got that off my chest
so um, yeah, the good thing is being called "mama"
Step Five is to exercise.
No yoga : (
but dh did walk with me after baseball practice
ahhhhhhhhhhhh
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Solider on, right?
Step One is to meditate.
grrrrrrrrrrr
my brain is stupid, it doesn't know what's good for it
was going to do this during yoga but my gym pass was in dh's car so no yoga for me : (
tried last night & this moring
grrrrrrrrrr
Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. chocolate
b. coffee
c. advil
Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
Dh had baseball practice last night so I agreed to stay home with sd5 and let him take ss10 with him to practice. Sd5, while being absolutely the cutest kid on the planet is also what we affectionately refer to as an "asswhip". I'm usually the one parenting her as dh has a finally tuned sense of "ignore" while I do not.
We had a fabulous time together, there were cheetos (baked, in an attempt to fool myself that I'm feeding her something healthy) and chocolate milk and lots and lots of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse...yes I can do the hotdog dance.
Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
Sd5 is pretty much an attention whore and it can be IRRITATING AS HELL but I know she just needs love and attention and she has abandonment issues thanks to her insane mom. She started calling me "mommy" about a year ago and has recently switched to "momma" which is super duper sweet.Our therapist, who was bm's therapist (bm = biological mother, the kids mom, she is crazy and also due to give birth tomorrow to kid number 3, this one is with a guy she met at work when dh got her a job where he works. She left him for this guy, then they both lost their jobs. They lived in her car in February but he sold his car so they could live. They bought furniture and a huge tv and paid 6 months rent. Now the 6 months is almost up, the baby is due and they have no money. We get no child support and they will end up at a shelter.)
Anyway, I digress....bm's therapist who used to be our therapist too (bad idea) didn't want sd5 to call me mommy because it would really upset bm. Like I give a fuck...ok, I do, I try really hard to be nice to bm because she's bat shit crazy but she's had a horrible life....but she has also made fucked up decisions that hurt the kids and that's hard to forgive.
So, I tried to keep sd5 from calling me mommy but I gave up after a while because it felt like I was punishing her for doing what came naturally. Of course she calls me mommy, for all intents and purposes, I am mommy. If feeding, clothing, nurturing, etc count. Of course "real mommy" is more fun, at real mommy's house all she does is watch that expensive tv they bought and stay up 'til 2 am if she wants to and eat sweets all day. Of course real mommy won't have a house much longer (apartment)...and there's a new baby so sd5 won't be the tiny little baby that her real mommy still treats as if she were 2, the age she was when real mommy decided to go live with her dungeons and dragons dream man.
whew...............got that off my chest
so um, yeah, the good thing is being called "mama"
Step Five is to exercise.
No yoga : (
but dh did walk with me after baseball practice
Monday, September 9, 2013
Hello Sadness My Old Friend
I was happy all weekend.
That's a minor miracle. I got a lot done and felt genuinely glad almost 100% of the time. Well, except for the part where my friend went missing from the recovery house she was staying in and I was praying she was just drunk and not dead (she was). Other than that, it was a great weekend.
This morning, I'm sad again.
This would have been my stepdad's birthday if he weren't dead. Maybe that's the trigger? Who knows..but I'm going to update here in the hopes that it will help. I didn't post all weekend because I was busy and I also like doing this in the privacy of my own office as opposed to the home computer.
Step One is to meditate.
I really suck at this! I tried this morning and just couldn't get there. I'd count a few breaths and then off to the races my mind would go. During Sunday's yoga I couldn't even relax during shavasana, in my defense however, this was during the time frame that my friend was missing so I think I should bonus points for even going to yoga at all.
Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. The kids, I've wanted to be a mom most of adult life. This wasn't what I envisioned but I'm grateful
nonetheless
b. That my friend was just drunk, not dead
c. For hobbies that keep my brain busy
Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
I took ss10 to the grocery store with me yesterday. He really wanted to go because he's decided to start taking his lunch and wanted to pick stuff out. He talked about Pokemon non-stop and made the grocery shopping take twice as long as it should have but I did it anyway.
Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
Lots of stress filled crap going on in the lives of several of my friends. Some of it pretty serious, one especially with a very rocky marriage. I did my best to lend a caring ear and not give "assvice" but just listen.
Also, I made sd5 a scarf and it's really pretty! I am not the world's best crocheter but this scarf turned out amazing. I'm making one for dh now.
Step Five is to exercise.
Walk Friday night, nothing Saturday, yoga on Sunday.
This is going to be an insanely busy week and we leave for Chicago Friday morning. I need to MAKE myself go to yoga tonight.
That's a minor miracle. I got a lot done and felt genuinely glad almost 100% of the time. Well, except for the part where my friend went missing from the recovery house she was staying in and I was praying she was just drunk and not dead (she was). Other than that, it was a great weekend.
This morning, I'm sad again.
This would have been my stepdad's birthday if he weren't dead. Maybe that's the trigger? Who knows..but I'm going to update here in the hopes that it will help. I didn't post all weekend because I was busy and I also like doing this in the privacy of my own office as opposed to the home computer.
Step One is to meditate.
I really suck at this! I tried this morning and just couldn't get there. I'd count a few breaths and then off to the races my mind would go. During Sunday's yoga I couldn't even relax during shavasana, in my defense however, this was during the time frame that my friend was missing so I think I should bonus points for even going to yoga at all.
Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. The kids, I've wanted to be a mom most of adult life. This wasn't what I envisioned but I'm grateful
nonetheless
b. That my friend was just drunk, not dead
c. For hobbies that keep my brain busy
Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
I took ss10 to the grocery store with me yesterday. He really wanted to go because he's decided to start taking his lunch and wanted to pick stuff out. He talked about Pokemon non-stop and made the grocery shopping take twice as long as it should have but I did it anyway.
Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
Lots of stress filled crap going on in the lives of several of my friends. Some of it pretty serious, one especially with a very rocky marriage. I did my best to lend a caring ear and not give "assvice" but just listen.
Also, I made sd5 a scarf and it's really pretty! I am not the world's best crocheter but this scarf turned out amazing. I'm making one for dh now.
Step Five is to exercise.
Walk Friday night, nothing Saturday, yoga on Sunday.
This is going to be an insanely busy week and we leave for Chicago Friday morning. I need to MAKE myself go to yoga tonight.
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