The older I get, the worse the pre-period depression gets. It doesn't matter that I KNOW it's hormonal, it's like clockwork, a week prior to my period, the sadness, depression, grief, regret and lethargy hits. Along with an even stronger than my usual really strong craving for chocolate.
ahhhhhhhhhhhh
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Solider on, right?
Step One is to meditate.
grrrrrrrrrrr
my brain is stupid, it doesn't know what's good for it
was going to do this during yoga but my gym pass was in dh's car so no yoga for me : (
tried last night & this moring
grrrrrrrrrr
Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. chocolate
b. coffee
c. advil
Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
Dh had baseball practice last night so I agreed to stay home with sd5 and let him take ss10 with him to practice. Sd5, while being absolutely the cutest kid on the planet is also what we affectionately refer to as an "asswhip". I'm usually the one parenting her as dh has a finally tuned sense of "ignore" while I do not.
We had a fabulous time together, there were cheetos (baked, in an attempt to fool myself that I'm feeding her something healthy) and chocolate milk and lots and lots of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse...yes I can do the hotdog dance.
Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
Sd5 is pretty much an attention whore and it can be IRRITATING AS HELL but I know she just needs love and attention and she has abandonment issues thanks to her insane mom. She started calling me "mommy" about a year ago and has recently switched to "momma" which is super duper sweet.Our therapist, who was bm's therapist (bm = biological mother, the kids mom, she is crazy and also due to give birth tomorrow to kid number 3, this one is with a guy she met at work when dh got her a job where he works. She left him for this guy, then they both lost their jobs. They lived in her car in February but he sold his car so they could live. They bought furniture and a huge tv and paid 6 months rent. Now the 6 months is almost up, the baby is due and they have no money. We get no child support and they will end up at a shelter.)
Anyway, I digress....bm's therapist who used to be our therapist too (bad idea) didn't want sd5 to call me mommy because it would really upset bm. Like I give a fuck...ok, I do, I try really hard to be nice to bm because she's bat shit crazy but she's had a horrible life....but she has also made fucked up decisions that hurt the kids and that's hard to forgive.
So, I tried to keep sd5 from calling me mommy but I gave up after a while because it felt like I was punishing her for doing what came naturally. Of course she calls me mommy, for all intents and purposes, I am mommy. If feeding, clothing, nurturing, etc count. Of course "real mommy" is more fun, at real mommy's house all she does is watch that expensive tv they bought and stay up 'til 2 am if she wants to and eat sweets all day. Of course real mommy won't have a house much longer (apartment)...and there's a new baby so sd5 won't be the tiny little baby that her real mommy still treats as if she were 2, the age she was when real mommy decided to go live with her dungeons and dragons dream man.
whew...............got that off my chest
so um, yeah, the good thing is being called "mama"
Step Five is to exercise.
No yoga : (
but dh did walk with me after baseball practice
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