The longest month

it's not really working so well, this happiness thing
I apparently suck at happiness
or maybe I just suck at following directions

meditation: I just can't, I don't know what to do differently, my brain hates me

exercise: big zero here, we've been totally full up doing record shit...I did lift a lot of boxes this weekend

rak: I saw an add on facebook for someone in our area selling a bulk lot of newish boy baby clothes so I bought them and delivered them to bm

gratitude:
a. I am done with postage
b. pretty things
c. crochet keeping me busy

one good thing:
being done with postage is a huge good thing, it took me 5 days to print it all, it was a mind numbing task

writing in this blog is depressing, I see how terribly I'm failing at changing my habits and learning how to be happy.

Stick 'Em Up

meditation: ugh

exercise: I went for a 30 minute walk while crying after some insensitive comments about having babies by dh. I know the world doesn't revolve around me but damn!

rak: more free tie dyes and also trying to be nicer to the kids and not get so frustrated

gratitude:
a. Masked Intruders
b. AA
c. a job that allows me to print postage for record orders

one good thing:
Dh sent an apology text and said "I guess I was pretty insensitive" after the aforementioned insensitive comments. Another good thing is I'm going to a meeting tonight. That should get me out of self.

Crash

The high of the trip is gone and I'm back to my normal sad state.
I fucking hate this.
So, bm had her baby on Tuesday. Last night the kids wanted to go see the baby. I didn't want dh to take them because he loves babies and I didn't want him gushing over her baby. I know, petty of me.
I can't have kids and I wanted kids and the pain creeps up at me and pushes me over the edge sometimes. I tried to have kids with my first husband, even went to a fertility dr and did some things that didn't work. He has 5 now. I have my two wonderful stepkids and four stepkids from exhusband #2. (Yes, I know, I'm THAT girl, the one who keeps getting married).
Anyway, bm having this kid HURTS.
But, it's not really about me, so I asked dh to take them to see their new brother, that's my act of kindness.
That's all I got, I'm too sad just writing this to do the rest today.

Not Working on Being Happy

at the moment I actually am happy
I had a fantastic time on a weekend road trip.

Step One is to meditate.
I downloaded a couple meditation aps on the trip. They mostly sucked. Still trying

Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. feeling like a rock star because of the great trip
b. peanut butter
c. home sweet home

Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
We met some customers of our record label over the weekend, I'm giving them a special edition copy of a record we are releasing. I'm the fairy godmother of punk rock.

Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
Dh and I got into a disagreement. Nothing new there. But, I was able to calmly say "I love you but I don't want to continue this discussion" and hang up. He called later and apologized for his part. I was still mad but the apology helped.

  Step Five is to exercise.
walked all over Riot Fest

Herculan Effort

Step One is to meditate.
still not having much luck with this
I need to look up some meditation guides online

Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. a husband who says he's sorry and means it
b. sugar free gum
c. sleep

Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
I paid twice for a swap I'm in. I didn't feel like messing with asking for a refund so I offered a scholarship to someone who wanted to participate and couldn't afford it. Instead they are going to use the money to ship a package to a person who is a member of the forum who just had a stroke.

Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
Dh and I got into a disagreement. Nothing new there. But, I was able to calmly say "I love you but I don't want to continue this discussion" and hang up. He called later and apologized for his part. I was still mad but the apology helped.

  Step Five is to exercise.
last night we were held hostage by some 5th grade teachers so the only exercise was walking to and from the school.


I got really pissed at the school, for the 2nd year in a row they changed the paperwork we filled out to make bm the secondary point of contact even though we keep telling them they live with us, call stepmom not bm. BM rarely keeps the same phone number long, sleeps all damn day and is generally unreliable. Last year ss10 got sick at school, dh was in a meeting and of course bm didn't answer, they never called me. GRRRRRRRRRR
How hard is it to figure out that some kids live with their dads???


Anyway, I'm tired and irritable but not really sad so that's an improvement sort of?

It's the most wonderful time of the month

The older I get, the worse the pre-period depression gets. It doesn't matter that I KNOW it's hormonal, it's like clockwork, a week prior to my period, the sadness, depression, grief, regret and lethargy hits. Along with an even stronger than my usual really strong craving for chocolate.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Solider on, right?

Step One is to meditate.
grrrrrrrrrrr
my brain is stupid, it doesn't know what's good for it
was going to do this during yoga but my gym pass was in dh's car so no yoga for me : (
tried last night & this moring
grrrrrrrrrr

Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. chocolate
b. coffee
c. advil

Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
Dh had baseball practice last night so I agreed to stay home with sd5 and let him take ss10 with him to practice. Sd5, while being absolutely the cutest kid on the planet is also what we affectionately refer to as an "asswhip". I'm usually the one parenting her as dh has a finally tuned sense of "ignore" while I do not.
We had a fabulous time together, there were cheetos (baked, in an attempt to fool myself that I'm feeding her something healthy) and chocolate milk and lots and lots of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse...yes I can do the hotdog dance.

Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
Sd5 is pretty much an attention whore and it can be IRRITATING AS HELL but I know she just needs love and attention and she has abandonment issues thanks to her insane mom. She started calling me "mommy" about a year ago and has recently switched to "momma" which is super duper sweet.Our therapist, who was bm's therapist (bm = biological mother, the kids mom, she is crazy and also due to give birth tomorrow to kid number 3, this one is with a guy she met at work when dh got her a job where he works. She left him for this guy, then they both lost their jobs. They lived in her car in February but he sold his car so they could live. They bought furniture and a huge tv and paid 6 months rent. Now the 6 months is almost up, the baby is due and they have no money. We get no child support and they will end up at a shelter.)
Anyway, I digress....bm's therapist who used to be our therapist too (bad idea) didn't want sd5 to call me mommy because it would really upset bm. Like I give a fuck...ok, I do, I try really hard to be nice to bm because she's bat shit crazy but she's had a horrible life....but she has also made fucked up decisions that hurt the kids and that's hard to forgive.
So, I tried to keep sd5 from calling me mommy but I gave up after a while because it felt like I was punishing her for doing what came naturally. Of course she calls me mommy, for all intents and purposes, I am mommy. If feeding, clothing, nurturing, etc count. Of course "real mommy" is more fun, at real mommy's house all she does is watch that expensive tv they bought and stay up 'til 2 am if she wants to and eat sweets all day. Of course real mommy won't have a house much longer (apartment)...and there's a new baby so sd5 won't be the tiny little baby that her real mommy still treats as if she were 2, the age she was when real mommy decided to go live with her dungeons and dragons dream man.
whew...............got that off my chest
so um, yeah, the good thing is being called "mama"

 Step Five is to exercise.
No yoga : (
but dh did walk with me after baseball practice

Hello Sadness My Old Friend

I was happy all weekend.
That's a minor miracle. I got a lot done and felt genuinely glad almost 100% of the time. Well, except for the part where my friend went missing from the recovery house she was staying in and I was praying she was just drunk and not dead (she was). Other than that, it was a great weekend.
This morning, I'm sad again.
This would have been my stepdad's birthday if he weren't dead. Maybe that's the trigger? Who knows..but I'm going to update here in the hopes that it will help. I didn't post all weekend because I was busy and I also like doing this in the privacy of my own office as opposed to the home computer.

Step One is to meditate.
I really suck at this! I tried this morning and just couldn't get there. I'd count a few breaths and then off to the races my mind would go. During Sunday's yoga I couldn't even relax during shavasana, in my defense however, this was during the time frame that my friend was missing so I think I should bonus points for even going to yoga at all.

Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. The kids, I've wanted to be a mom most of adult life. This wasn't what I envisioned but I'm grateful 
    nonetheless
b. That my friend was just drunk, not dead
c. For hobbies that keep my brain busy

Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
I took ss10 to the grocery store with me yesterday. He really wanted to go because he's decided to start taking his lunch and wanted to pick stuff out. He talked about Pokemon non-stop and made the grocery shopping take twice as long as it should have but I did it anyway. 


Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
Lots of stress filled crap going on in the lives of several of my friends. Some of it pretty serious, one especially with a very rocky marriage. I did my best to lend a caring ear and not give "assvice" but just listen.
Also, I made sd5 a scarf and it's really pretty! I am not the world's best crocheter but this scarf turned out amazing. I'm making one for dh now. 

 Step Five is to exercise.
Walk Friday night, nothing Saturday, yoga on Sunday.
This is going to be an insanely busy week and we leave for Chicago Friday morning. I need to MAKE myself go to yoga tonight.

Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny

Step One is to meditate.
I tried a bit more mediation last night, counting my breaths. I'm not very good at it but I'm trying.

Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. My ex-husband, whom I still care for deeply and is a true friend
b. The ability to start over any time I want, in anything
c. Ancestry.com for keeping my brain from rotting at work

Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
My husband has a record label and we have a huge release coming out, we're taking pre-orders. There is a special variant, it's supposed to be totally random who gets the variant, but I've been combing message boards picking out people who say things like "I'll be happy whichever version I get, I never win anything" and earmarking them for a variant. 

 Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
A friend confided in me. I was able to listen, not judge and hopefully helped her.

 Step Five is to exercise.
YOGA
I found a class I think I love, finally. It was not hot, although after class when I thanked her for not turning on the heat she said she forgot. I asked her to please keep forgetting.

Happiness is a Choice

That's my new mantra, happiness is a choice.
For as long as I can remember, my wish, whenever a wishing occasion occurred, has been to "be happy".
I think I've finally figured out that only I can make this happen, with actual work on my own mind. Brain thought patterns CAN be changed and mine is in need of a severe overall.
I've made a decision to step back from the incessant "parenting" that I've been doing. It's ok if the kids go to bed a little late or have candy bar pancakes for dinner once in awhile. I need to quit trying to be, and make them be "perfect". If I slack off on nagging them, maybe I'll have a better relationship with them and with myself. So, I'm trying.
Anyway, on to the happiness project

Day Three
Step One is to meditate.
For now, just concentrating on "happiness is a choice" seems to be opening my brain up to new possibilities and avenues of action. I'll try to fit in some actual meditation today as well.

Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
a. I'm grateful that yesterdays overwhelming sadness has departed and I feel hope again
b. I'm grateful I have a husband who will listen to me and work with me to change things
c. I'm grateful to have people in my life who forgive me when I am not perfect

Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....
Haven't done this yet today but yesterday's was peanut butter toast. SS10 had baseball practice last night and was hungry afterward but also needed a shower and it was close to bedtime. He asked dh to make his toast but dh said no, probably because ss10 tends to laziness. I decided that ss10 would make it for me if the situation were reversed (he's really a pretty good kid) and so I made his toast instead of making him make it himself to teach him not to be lazy. Not every moment has to be a life lesson. Sometimes it's ok to just do something nice. 

Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
I sent dh an email yesterday about some things that were bothering me and he called me at work and said "you always forget that I love you"

 Step Five is to exercise.
While waiting for baseball practice to be over, instead of sitting in the car, we walked for 30 minutes around the park. (yes I chose dinner over yoga but hey, we walked at least)

Day Two

Step One is to meditate, just tried meditating at my desk. I focused on the thought "happiness is a choice" because I've been feeling overwhelmingly sad and defeated and hopeless (etc etc) today. It actually worked for a minute, then I got a text message, ironically it was from my husband about the launch of his company's latest tech gadget, all these gadgets keep us distracted from ourselves. I will try this again later.

Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for:
This is harder than it should be today due to the aforementioned despair, but here goes:
a. I'm grateful for my brain, sometimes I hate it but it's a pretty good one to have, overall
b. I'm grateful for pretty fingernail and toe polish
c. I'm grateful for my job, I've had this job for 10 years!

Step Three is to do one random act of kindness....Haven't done anything today, way to absorbed in myself. I'll be on the lookout.

Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened.
The good thing that happened is that I tried to meditate. In AA, step 11 is to seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god as we understand him. I've sort of been majorly ignoring this step for about 8-10 years due to a lack of a god that I at all understand. So, for now, I've taken the god part out of the equation, I'm just going to try to get some sort of awareness of the universe outside of my own brain. A good friend gave me a book that helped her, The Non-Believer's Higher Power. I am going to make a commitment, right here, to read it tonight.

 Step Five is to exercise.
Last night we walked for 1.5 miles in 28 minutes instead of going to the gym. Tonight I'm faced with the choice of going out to dinner with hubby and stepdaughter age 5 (known from now on as sd5) while ss10 (stepson aged 10) has baseball practice or taking sd5 to the gym while I go to yoga and the guys do the baseball thing. It's a hard choice for me. Yoga is awesome and makes me feel better but I feel this obligation to have "family time" plus I like to eat out. Whichever way I go with it, I'll get some exercise, even if it's just another walk around the block.


Ok, so there's day 2, I feel marginally less hopeless, which is a huge improvement on what I felt 20 minutes ago.

Today's Assignment

Apparently today I need to spend some time with Google and figure out exactly how one is supposed to meditate, because I'm sure the racing thoughts I had last night when I tried it aren't what they have in mind.
Oh, and the crippling despair, I should probably try to figure out something to do about that, too.

A new start

I read about a blogger who is depressed and has committed to 30 days of happiness. I'm depressed & I blog so I'm going to try it, too. Happiness Project Idea
It's really all stuff I should be doing anyway, similar to the AA programs "five alive" but, in spite of over 15 years of sobriety, I never do what I'm supposed to do. And I suffer as a result. I also complain to much, focus on the negative and beat myself up incessantly and, in a mind bogglingly sad way, all this makes me kind of mean to my stepkids and my husband so, here goes:

Step One is to meditate, haven't done that yet. I didn't read about this project 'til I got to work today so maybe I'll try it at the gym tonight (see step 5)

Step Two is to identify 3 new things I'm grateful for: a. my friends, I actually have a few true and real friends b. food, yes, I'm grateful for food, endless enjoyment c. the internet, without the internet I wouldn't know about the happiness thing and also, I'd be really bored at work.

Step Three is to do one random act of kindness..I'm going to borrow from yesterday because $100 is still a lot of money and it should count. I loaned/gave someone in AA that I kinda know but am not really close with money because she's a teacher and just got a new job and unemployment won't pay anymore because she got a job but she doesn't get paid until the end of September. I had to use Western Union and everything to do it. It took a lot more effort than paypal so, that's yesterdays but maybe today's too, unless I do something else later, then I'll update. : )

Step Four is to journal about one good thing that happened. That's easy today, the good thing is the happiness project itself. I've been really sad for a long time and feeling pretty hopeless and stuck and tragic and all that other whiney poor me stuff. I've made some shit choices, gotten myself in a not great mental state as a result and feel really stuck there. I quit my old blog and even made it private after blogging for 9 years because it was just to depressing to continue writing the same sad shit in my brain. So here's a new one and a new start...it's worth a shot.

 Step Five is to exercise. I am sometimes really great at that. For two years yoga kept me alive. Then I made the bad decisions that led to my new life and it doesn't involve nearly enough exercise. Tonight is hot yoga at the gym which I fucking hate. I don't like warm yoga much less hot, I like a fan on me in the a/c when I bend myself into silly poses. So, instead of yoga, I will go to the gym and use the elliptical, that's when I'll meditate (see step one)

Ok, that's all for now...day one of my new journey.